Lock and Loaded

Still not sleeping. But at work. With Shotgun Sam. Sam makes everything better.
"Don't make me angry. When I'm angry I'm not nice. [BANG]"

Update

I'm doing better.. still sad and still kinda hurt. I'm not mad anymore, so that's good. I think I will feel the sting from this for awhile.

Here's what I don't understand... why can't we act like adults? Why don't people talk civilized to each other? Give each other the benefit of the doubt. Let the person react to what you have to say instead of "knowing how they'd act." You're not going to know until you say it and they experience it. And--how do you know what you have to say is relevant or not? I think that if it's in-between you should ask the person, you shouldn't make that call.

I think it's a lot like how Christianity should work. So often people make judgement of what they "know is right or wrong." How? How do they KNOW?!?!? Isn't that God's judgement? Who am I to say? Isn't it better if we're all truthful from the start and then we let God or the other person react instead of making the call yourself?

Ok well those are my thoughts today.

I bought myself flowers so that I would cheer up a bit. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Good News. Bad, Bad News.

Sometimes I think I know what's going on. I think I know my life and where it's headed, and then... I hear something or experience something I never saw coming, and I think, why didn't I think or expect that!?!?!?

Tonight was one of those nights. I learned something that I did not see coming. What I learned initially felt good and made me glad that I was where I was, but then, I slowly learned and realized it wasn't so good. I was happy and then hurt. I was glad and then felt guilty. What I initially felt good about I now regret and feel bad. I shouldn't have felt that way. I should have felt sympathy... and then I got hit--or at least it feels like I got hit.

First of all, why do other's actions hurt so bad? Why can't I be confident that the best intentions were meant? Nope. That's not what I can focus on. And that hurts too. I need to let things go, and breathe. I guess I just want to know why I feel so hurt, why I just want to cry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry the initial news made me happy. I'm sorry I let the other news hurt me and I'm sorry I can't see the situation for the intentions meant. I wish I could and I know in time I will.

I think I just need to sleep on it.

Was I really wasting that much time with TV?

So I have survived so far without TV. It's a little weird, and I don't really miss it. What I do miss is talking about my favorite shows with my friends. Why is that? Why do we talk about TV? Aren't there better things to discuss with one another? Like maybe what is sin and what it means to be a Christ follower, or what we did at work, or how there are still people enslaved all over the world, or maybe about the election. How about the economy or even the weather.

I've noticed lately just how much conversation is based around television. In my classes, at work, with friends, on the radio. Do people even do things anymore? Do people ever go golfing or do they go sailing (my brother does) or do they just go to the beach to enjoy a good book? Why bother when it's coming out as a movie next spring? Why not just get out there and actually doing something?

How often do you spend watching TV a week? Now I don't mean that you have your 4 shows you watch so that's it, but do you turn it on in the morning when you're getting ready? How about in the evening when you come home? Or when you're making dinner? Or at a restaurant and it's on the screen? Or at night as you're getting ready for bed? Or do you fall asleep to it?Or when you're working out at the gym? (granted you're working out, but couldn't you be reading or improving your mind?) When I work out at my gym I either put it on ESPN or CNN or Fox News or I have a book with me and I turn it off.) Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I don't know... but think about it. How much do you watch?

I will tell you that without TV I've been able to read A LOT!!! I've actually read books for school, two of them. I've read 2 books for fun, and I'm on my third. I forgot how much I loved books. I LOVE READING!!!! So much better than watching That 70's Show reruns or whatever is on food network. I've also been able to get work done earlier, because I'm not distracted by the TV and I've been getting at least 8 hours of sleep every night.

Was I really wasting that much time in front of the TV?

In 60 years

So ya know how I have a lot of movies.... this is going to me me in 60 years!!!

I'm just saying... y'all may think I'm crazy.. I'm not like that!

Don't tell me I Tivo'd It... No really don't tell me!

So I did something drastic this week. I have been really stressed at work (mostly because A LOT of CRAP came out of the woodwork within the last month) and so that plus 6 classes has been a strain on my system. Tuesday afternoon, my body shouted at me in the form of a panic attack in the middle of one of my classes. I couldn't breath or really comprehend what I was doing.
I'm ok now, but it has forced me to re-evaluate how I'm spending my time. So I decided to do something about my time. Instead of watching movies or tv, I will for the next month, read, catch up on school and work and hopefully find time for myself.

So last night I went home, cleaned out my TIVO, and unplugged my TV. I will plug it back in sometime in April (probably around the 14th).

So I ask you not to tell me what happened on LOST yesterday or for the next month, or How I Met Your Mother, or who won Project Runway. I will find out (i have a very trusty TIVO).

I hope this works.

So if anyone is keeping count and want to hear it another way--I've now officially lost 32 pounds or 12% of my body weight AND I'm down a clothes size (in jeans!!!)

Yeah so feeling pretty good today... And I went to MAC and got my make-up done and now I have no where to go...


Oh well I'm sure I'll end up at Disneyland... :)