Claudia Jean

-This post was originally published in Nov. of 2011-

My Nana passed away a week ago. She was an amazing woman who was my biggest cheerleader and I hope to be just like her someday. I love her so much and miss her terribly. Below is what I said at her memorial service this weekend.

My Nana was an amazing woman. She was everything we should all strive to be. She truly cared for everyone and everything.

I remember so many times as a kid not wanting to go and help with meals on wheels, or cleaning the back bay or even one time we had to wash dried peppers for a group and our hands smelled for days. But now I treasure those memories because I realize that she was teaching us to give of ourselves. To take time for all in our lives.

She taught me how to be an independent woman who is strong and confident. She taught me to go after my dreams and supported every part of who we, her grandchildren, are. She went to every soccer game, dance recital, choir performance she could. Nana even came to my 8th grade promotion assembly, which was really only for 8th graders... but she was there.

But what I also remember is how much she loved. She loved all of us, and everyone she met. She loved. She loved me so much that she took me to my first USC football game. Yes. She knew I loved USC football and wanted to go to a game and she put aside that I didn’t become a CAL fan and we went to a game in the coliseum. Granted it was USC vs. CAL and I had to sit in the CAL section, but when we got there, she and I went and she bought me my first USC sweatshirt. From then on it was our thing. I’d call her every Game Day to say “Fight On!” and she’d say “Go Bears.”

She loved us for who we are and supported us fully. She taught me how to love others, and give of myself and serve those in my life.

So thank you, Nana. Thank you for all you gave me and taught me. For loving me and all of us.

She taught me so much and I could talk about her for days.

Thank you, for everything I know...

Defeat

"I need help." Those are the hardest words for me to say. I am a person who likes to do all things on their own. I like to control how things are done (especially at work) and I can't delegate. I want to, I just don't. I feel bad. I feel like I'm a hindrance to people. I feel like they roll their eyes and say, "What does Janel want now?" Or "Yeah, well, I'm in the middle of going through something, too. I don't have time for your problems." I feel like it makes me seem annoying. Like I'm too much of a problem for them. RIght now, I just want to shout, "I NEED MY FRIENDS! I NEED SOMEONE TO CARE FOR ME!!! I NEED PEOPLE TO COME AROUND ME AND HUG ME."

Youth ministry is very lonely sometimes. You're always on. You're always caring for your kids, and don't get me wrong, it's a joy to do it, but no one cares for you. No one comes to you and says, "What can I do for you?" "Hey, can we take over youth group this week, because you need to have a day off." You have to be careful what you say to parents and to the pastors. You don't want them to think you're not strong enough to care for the students, or that you're ungrateful for the job. You want them to trust you, that you can keep your cool when the kids are going crazy or going through stuff. Sometimes I think they think that youth pastors are to be like Jesus. Maybe pastors feel this way too... I don't doubt it.

I think it's really hard for me, having grown up in the church I now work at. Having been cared for by the congregation, but now I don't feel like I can ask them to care for me since I am caring for their youth. I don't get to go to service anymore and be spiritually fed. I don't have a small group, I run one of Jr. High girls. I don't have peers because all my adult interaction is with a handful of college kids, going through their own thing. No one reaches out to youth pastors.

I want to say to my friends, "I need you. Can you come over? Can you just let me cry to you for 30 minutes?" But how can I call people that never call me? How can I ask for them in this time of feeling defeated, when they're hardly there on normal days? And then there are those who live so far, and I don't talk to often, but I know I just want to hear from them, because I know they are the only ones who can help. How do you contact people like that?

I need rest, but I'm so lonely at home, that it makes it worse. How is it that the one thing I need, is so expensive? That the church can't even help out, because they don't understand the difference between taking days off and going to conferences to feel renewed and spiritually fed. That they just assume you are because you teach twice a week.

Even when I cry to God, he says, "Wait, Janel.... just wait." Ok God, but I'm going down and fast.


So I need help. I need care. I need support. I need a hug.


For I am defeated....