"I need help." Those are the hardest words for me to say. I am a person who likes to do all things on their own. I like to control how things are done (especially at work) and I can't delegate. I want to, I just don't. I feel bad. I feel like I'm a hindrance to people. I feel like they roll their eyes and say, "What does Janel want now?" Or "Yeah, well, I'm in the middle of going through something, too. I don't have time for your problems." I feel like it makes me seem annoying. Like I'm too much of a problem for them. RIght now, I just want to shout, "I NEED MY FRIENDS! I NEED SOMEONE TO CARE FOR ME!!! I NEED PEOPLE TO COME AROUND ME AND HUG ME."
Youth ministry is very lonely sometimes. You're always on. You're always caring for your kids, and don't get me wrong, it's a joy to do it, but no one cares for you. No one comes to you and says, "What can I do for you?" "Hey, can we take over youth group this week, because you need to have a day off." You have to be careful what you say to parents and to the pastors. You don't want them to think you're not strong enough to care for the students, or that you're ungrateful for the job. You want them to trust you, that you can keep your cool when the kids are going crazy or going through stuff. Sometimes I think they think that youth pastors are to be like Jesus. Maybe pastors feel this way too... I don't doubt it.
I think it's really hard for me, having grown up in the church I now work at. Having been cared for by the congregation, but now I don't feel like I can ask them to care for me since I am caring for their youth. I don't get to go to service anymore and be spiritually fed. I don't have a small group, I run one of Jr. High girls. I don't have peers because all my adult interaction is with a handful of college kids, going through their own thing. No one reaches out to youth pastors.
I want to say to my friends, "I need you. Can you come over? Can you just let me cry to you for 30 minutes?" But how can I call people that never call me? How can I ask for them in this time of feeling defeated, when they're hardly there on normal days? And then there are those who live so far, and I don't talk to often, but I know I just want to hear from them, because I know they are the only ones who can help. How do you contact people like that?
I need rest, but I'm so lonely at home, that it makes it worse. How is it that the one thing I need, is so expensive? That the church can't even help out, because they don't understand the difference between taking days off and going to conferences to feel renewed and spiritually fed. That they just assume you are because you teach twice a week.
Even when I cry to God, he says, "Wait, Janel.... just wait." Ok God, but I'm going down and fast.
So I need help. I need care. I need support. I need a hug.
For I am defeated....
